As a new mom I find myself constantly on the move even though the tasks that I am trying to complete are really not out of the ordinary. To take a shower, for example requires a new skill that I never thought possible, and to run an errand requires packing a bag and having a new strategy that I never thought I would be thinking about. Questions come into my mind before I leave the door like, what if he poops, what if he poops all over his outfit, will he need to be carried or is he going to make it in the stroller, what if there is a meltdown in the middle of the checkout line? All these questions. At any given moment everything can change and something that took me 5 minutes to do now takes 45 minutes to do. This is not an over exaggeration. Currently I am a stay at home mom and this is something that I am not used to since I used to work and go to school for as long as I can remember. I was the career woman that can prioritize and time everything perfectly and it all worked out. Now with a 3 month old I have no control over my schedule or time. I find myself constantly running to get things done. Now it seems like there is not enough time in the day to go to the store even because all these things come up with my child like naps and feedings and changing. As I look around my church community and all the other moms and people that surround me, I see that everyone whom I talk to about their life runs into the same problem. We are all so busy busy busy. A wise saying from the desert fathers says that when you look at a bucket of water that was on the move you see wrinkles and cannot see your own reflection and it is not until the water has been still that you look and can see yourself clearly. The church clearly teaches us to be still and to find time in the day even if you have to schedule it with your iphone to take 5 minutes just being still, be prayerful, say the Jesus Prayer. So with all this stillness advice we are getting it makes me wonder. What are we running for? Clearly there is something to this stillness business.
Recently during the night I woke up and felt really really dizzy, my husband was at work still completing inventory and I could not get a hold of him because out of all the days he ended up leaving his phone in the car. There is nothing scarier that for a new mother who is breastfeeding to be dizzy and start panicking because she cannot get a hold of her husband and cannot think straight because her head is spinning. Thankfully my husband ended up calling me back and coming hope just in time to avoid a nervous breakdown on my part and helped me get through my dizzy stage by feeding me and standing outside with me for some needed fresh air at 4am. Yes we looked a bit weird but this is the time I thought to myself how blessed I am to have such a husband that would stand outside with me at 4am in an attempt to make me feel better after he has been working all night. My point for this story is that it took me to have this episode to realize that I need to take time off to take care of myself not matter how busy I am because in the end it seems like my family suffers if I do not. I need to take time off and just be still.
With the great Lent fast coming up, this is my challenge… to myself. Be more still. To sit down and not live in the next moment but in the present. To know that Christ is everywhere and fills all things.